Stable talk

So this was my scan result: stable. Is stable good? Stable is always a silver-medal result to me, at least concerning cancer. Like, it's good it's really good, and it definitely isn't bad, but let's not pretend we weren't hoping for gold. 

I suppose because the first scan was so very unexpectedly positive, I couldn't help but want that to keep going, to smash records (even tho there are only 85 trial patients), to be the earliest positive responding patient ever! But also, I would have been okay with even a small improvement. 

The deal is that we can't know what any of it means because I didn't get the full dose of the second drug during this last cycle. It could mean that it's the combination of the 2 drugs that really delivers the punch. It could be that the second drug is the only drug that works. And of course, it could mean that after a spectacular entrance, none of the drugs are working. 

It also means the NEXT scan (after cycle #3) will be even MORE nerve-wracking, hooray! But I'm getting ahead of myself. 

In cancer, stable is always good. Nothing has changed. You may go on with your little life until the next scan, knowing that The Evilness isn't running rampant through your body. Isn't remission better, tho? Of course it's better! But I think sometimes there's so much pressure to get there, it's easy to forget that stable is still ok. Stable can go on for years. 

What I'm working on now (in addition to freelance and organizing my tremendous buzzkill of a book of cancery poems), is not automatically defaulting into the worst-case scenario in my head. I come from a long line of worst-case-scenario thinkers, so this isn't easy. But it does seem necessary. 

So, in an attempt to reframe, here is a small list of good things from this week. Please know that while writing each good thing, my brain was holding back writing an equally not-so-good thing. My brain was a proverbial dam. 55 years of default negativity is not going to change overnight, right? 

Here's where I begin:

1. The scan result was "stable." Status quo. Nothing monstrous is on the move. I am holding steady. Maintaining equilibrium, etc.

2. With the help of my good friends Benadryl and Ativan I was totally able to tolerate Investigative Drug AGEN1181, the one that previously gave me that allergic reaction. I was also able to sleep for an entire day and drink gallons of water to rehydrate. 

3. From a side effects standpoint, I feel physically really good. Why, I'm ready to start my pressure-washing project on the back patio this afternoon. Win!