hey. i totally did hack off a lot of my hair and dye it blue:
i am not usually a fan of photos of myself but i thought this warranted a bit of bravery in that department.
tomorrow I start the preliminary testing for the trial: CT scan, brain MRI (why? just to get a baseline, i think), a gallon of my blood... and next week I'll have a needle biopsy so they can get a recent sample of the tumor cells. apparently, they change over time, and what worked for me a couple of years ago will not necessarily (DUH) work for me now.
over the long weekend, the husband and i ventured up to maine for a few days, just for a change of scenery before all the appointments and everything start. on the one hand, it was glorious to see people coming back out on the streets, eating in restaurants, hugging again!, smiling and just generally enjoying the small freedoms that come with something terrible becoming not as terrible.
on the other hand, it was a bit difficult to witness and not be able to join 100%. this cancer was in my body before the pandemic, and frustratingly, it continues living there after. and again (ad nauseum, really), i struggle with trying to balance that fact with a more "positive outlook" and "normal" life.
what excited me particularly about immunotherapy (the type of drugs i'll be getting on this trial) was the idea that you could teach your body to fight the "bad guys" on its own.. a kind of redirect of sorts. any cell can go rogue or have a misstep at any time, so it made sense to me that your immune system could, with the help of modern medicine, help rein it in, correct it, guide it back on a healthier path, almost like mentoring it? sure, why not?
i don't think it works that way exactly, but that's what had been (has been?) giving me hope. i think i was thinking 100% cancer-free, gone, baby, gone, remission for decades! i don't think it works that way, either, but as my former therapist so often points out to me: we don't know the future. we can guess, given any amount of scientific information, but honestly, we don't know.
and if you're going to hope, why not hope for the absolute best possible outcome? go big, right?
so that's where i'm at: a bit nervous and maybe overly optimistic heading into this thing. a bit sad that i can't join the world 100% in its gleefulness of vaccines and renewed freedoms, but not entirely forlorn, either. as long as i unfollow all the cancer people and keep off Twitter, i think i can continue it.
Andi! Love the hair. Also, we saw a special recently about immunotherapy and it was pretty amazing. I hadn't known that much about how it works, but this show illuminated that it's just the smartest thing, the most hopeful approach, so I am thrilled that's the clinical trail you're starting now. With blue hair and a great attitude.
ReplyDeleteSorry I'm so late to see this! G. and I have moved from LA to Chicago, we're behind. Your hair looks AMAZING and so perfect for you. How do you look every bit as hip as you did in grad school??? Fuck yes immunotherapy. Fuck yes remission for decades. Why not? I've known about other cases where this literally happened so why the fuck not you? I think yes it will. Yes yes yes. By the way, I was thinking about your poem today, "To be in Tuscany with a bowl of olives. To be in Tunisia" I wonder if you remember it? I do. Last phrase "decidious or not." You are awesome.
ReplyDelete