i've been trying to write here for a while -- but so much has been happening in the world (something new nearly every Wednesday it seems!) that -- even now -- it feels kind of selfish to talk about myself. when you have a chronic or terminal illness, trying to join the world's collective conversation is like talking through a veneer (i'd say mask instead of veneer, but that is too soon, even for me).
cancer in particular has a way of overshadowing everything -- which is to say, there's never really a sense of relief, a sense that you can relax your thinking. you are on constant alert, hyper-vigilant, always wondering if that funny feeling you have in your stomach means something way more than a funny feeling. death whispering at the heels.
but now i'd like to get an entry in before the end of the month. now i'd like to update you as to where i'm at. i've just finished infusion #3 of avastin, the drug meant to stabilize the cancer -- or as i like to think of it, starve the fucking cells before they have a chance to proliferate. the initial plan was to have 4 infusions, and then have another CT scan to see what's happening.
i spent most of january wondering if it was working, not looking at my CA-125 (tumor marker) results because i didn't want to obsess over a number, which is what i've been doing for almost 2 years now. trying to spare myself as much of the emotional rollercoaster as i can. but i discovered that not knowing is almost as mentally treacherous: was my body destroying itself while I sat there bingeing Bob's Burgers for the 5th time? would this 1/2 teaspoon of raw sugar i put in my coffee be the one that sent me over the edge for good?
(note to self: write entire post about the guilt heaped upon cancer patients around sugar. "CANCER CELLS EAT SUGAR!, they say. well, it's true. cancer cells do eat sugar -- and you know what else eats sugar? EVERY OTHER CELL IN YOUR ENTIRE BODY. it's bullocks, as my adorable British husband would say.)
(second note to self: write post on the fat-shaming medical community. ok that might be more than one post)
*clears throat*
so i did find out by accident at my most recent appointment that my CA-125 has gone down since with the first two treatments. yay. i mean, yay! i mean, it's good yes absolutely. but it's too early to say if it will continue and i don't want to get overexcited to then be overly disappointed if it stops being effective.
i'm learning -- ever so slowly -- that this is the way i have to live now, being grateful and/or happy for something as it's happening, in the short term. no extreme ups or downs because everything is subject to change at any given time. is this what living in the moment really means? no wonder i wasn't getting it from just trying to meditate (while bingeing Bob's Burgers for the 6th time).
anyway. aside from my aging arthritic hip which has nothing whatsoever to do with cancer, i'm feeling physically ok. less tired now that chemo is over. and the side effects of avastin are't too awful (at least not in the short term): runny nose, sore throat, a bit of acid reflux from time to time. freelance work has started up again so that provides some distraction from evil thoughts.
i'm feeling a bit of the pressure to ENJOY LIFE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE because the medication could stop working at any time, which is another conundrum that deserves its own post. just for today tho, i'll leave it be.
s
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