my grand day out

today i ventured outside of my house for the first time in a long time, and my destination was not the hospital. it was very exciting! seriously, though, it was... i headed to the pharmacy inside my local Target store, to get a flu shot. I had to clear it with my doctors first, ok, but still. I haven't stepped inside a Target in ages, and it used to be a weirdly comforting place for me. 

once i got inside, though, i was terrified. there weren't a ton of people in there, and everyone had masks on, but i could not relax in the slightest. i kept imagining the virus just hanging out in every aisle and on every surface and in every corner of the store, waiting. 

i know how paranoid and dramatic that sounds. but you know, it was really my first time out in "public" in forever. also, given my super-suppressed immune system, getting COVID-19 would surely be my end. would i like to die from a raging virus or a deadly cancer? choices, choices. FOR THE RECORD, IN THE SLIM CHANCE THE UNIVERSE IS LISTENING, I WOULD LIKE NOT TO DIE AT ALL. at least no time soon or in the next like three to four decades ok? thanks for listening. 

anyway, i got my flu shot, some milk duds, and hand sanitizer (the essentials), walked around a little to see if i could invoke that familiar, soothing Target-shopping feeling, but alas. it was not to be had. i sneezed into my arm, and headed for the cash register. everything felt dangerous. 

when i pulled into my driveway, i sat there for a few minutes before heading inside. i was kind of overcome with this huge sadness made up of everything, but mostly of one thing: life as i knew it does not exist and may never again. even if (even when) i'm all done with this asshole cancer, i won't be going back to anything familiar. 

change is good, most of the time anyway, i know that. i live in new england where autumn is insanely beautiful right now with the leaves changing color. what a color show, my favorite time of year! and still, a harbinger of winter. change is good sometimes, hard sometimes, sucky sometimes, inevitable always. 

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature’s first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf’s a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

-Robert Frost