Wolf month

A few years ago, I became obsessed with the month of January because it seemed that so many bad things happen in January. Of course, bad things can happen in any month, but I thought it particularly sinister for some reason. In reading, I learned that the Saxon word for January is Wulf-monath, or Wolf Month. That felt right to me. I ended up writing this poem:

WOLF MONTH

They will say that cancer spared the husband, only

to come back for the wife. They will say cells replicate

like this all the time, it is January, when wolves come

starving to the village. Their hunger makes them bolder.

It’s not when but how they will take you: in sleep?

Hope you are that lucky. They are more ravenous

than their future widows, pacing the salty lips of our streets.

Upside-down blackbirds, unharbored wind.

I'll just say, this past January has felt more like Wolf Month than any other.

Last Friday, a hospital bed was delivered to my parents' house. It was the next step for him. His mobility was limited for a long time before the cancer due to neuropathy. Limited, but he could still go to the grocery store or out to dinner. First he was using a cane. Then a walker. Then wheelchair. And now this.

The bed needs to be in the living room because my parents' tiny, 1960's ranch house bedroom is too small, the hallway too narrow to negotiate.

When it arrived, we angled it toward the television. We put flowered sheets on the mattress in a futile attempt to disguise the seriousness. I spent a long time alone in the living room staring at it, trying to process its meaning. Mostly I felt numb.

**
Over on my side of things, the maintenance drug I'm taking has some side effects- abdominal cramps and stomach trouble- that are eerily similar to the cramps and stomach trouble I had last year, just before I was diagnosed. It messes with my head, especially since I'm coming up on my 6-month cancer check next week.

I asked one of my doctors to check my blood work because I was so freaked out. It all looks okay from that perspective, which is a relief. These side effects are apparently very common ones (yes I called the drug company and asked), and most likely they will subside over time, but OMG. A lot to carry.