Tonight is my cousins' daughter's wedding, a grand event in a beautiful hotel with a view of the Charles River. Back in the beginning of The Big Horrible, I hung the "save the date" card where I could see it, so I could remind myself that happier times would be coming. And here we are!
I'm less nervous about being the cancer relative than I was before (though technically I'm WITHOUT CANCER, I think I'll still be considered that relative), but there's still a little reserve. Relatives from other parts of the country are in town, people I haven't seen in ages and ages, and they know about this. They'll likely want to see me feeling good and looking fantastic (new dress! fascinator!) or at least looking pretty good, and they'll want to (hopefully) hug me so I can feel the love. And I'm trying hard to be open to it.
In the forefront of my mind, slowly making its way to the back (for this evening only), is the state of things with my father. My dad. Next week, we all meet with the oncologist and find out the true nature of the mass on his neck. If it's cancer as we think it is, we'll find out the stage and suggested treatment plans. This will clearly be a difficult meeting, and to be honest, I wish I didn't already know how difficult it will be from own experience, but I do.
My parents are in their 80's now, and so ill health can be part of the picture. It's a life stage. Up until this year, our family had been so so lucky, no major illnesses or broken bones. My sister had a few back surgeries that weren't fun, but all in all, we'd been healthy. And then 2019 happened. I guess we had a good ride.
Whether or not this turns out to be another cancer situation, part of what's hard is coming to terms with the fact that parents do not live forever -- which ok, yes, you know this intellectually, but when you see your parents healthy for so long, it doesn't really sink in. People age. Their bodies begin to slow down, maybe start to break down. And I know this is probably the beginning of this stage for my dad, and it's hard. Mostly everyone goes through it, I don't think ours is a special case, and yet of course, every sadness and anticipated grief is as uniquely detailed as the family undergoing it.
Tonight though, is a happy occasion. Which is also part of life. And I am determined to enjoy myself, dance a little, eat a lot, cry at the "I do"s. I want to inhabit, even if just for tonight, the happy place, and re-remind myself that despite a shitty year, it also exists.
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