Positively not entirely positive

I've written a few drafts between now and the last entry, and deemed the drafts not good enough, but really, I think it was my mood coloring those decisions. I'm a lifelong cynic trying to do an about face and focus on all the positives in a situation where sometimes it's hard to find positives. I can't lie; it's not going all that well. If it weren't for some amazing people lifting me up on a daily basis, I wouldn't be able to... well, I just wouldn't be able.

Here is something good that happened: I was able to walk 4 out of 5Ks at the NOCC (National Ovarian Cancer Coalition) Massachusetts event in Boston. I paid for it dearly afterward with my dumb arthritic hip, and my lackluster muscle tone, but still I did it. It was hard in new ways, wearing a "survivor" sash, for example, but it was good.

I also officially signed on this week for an optional clinical trial that will be considered my "maintenance" phase (the time after "frontline" treatment, which is your initial chemo and surgery phase). I don't have to do this. Many people opt to do the standard "watch and wait," which is exactly what it sounds like: you go back to living your (shellshocked) life, and get checked every 3 months to see if your bloodwork indicates a possible recurrence.

It wasn't an easy decision. A significant part of me is craving a break from having cancer at the forefront of my life, undergoing procedures, worrying about side effects, etc. But given my penchant for chronic obsession over basically everything, I thought that waiting and watching might not be the healthiest approach. Neither felt 100% right. 

The way I'm feeling is nervous and untethered, wanting to put creative energy into something new, something that requires I use some of my dormant skill and intellect, something that will be of service, but not knowing at all what that might be, or where to begin to find it. My previous life-acquired wisdom, whatever I thought that might be, isn't helping. I'm lost.

So I'll focus for the time being on my vacation, trying to get away before the trial starts. We'll be in Chicago for a few days, on a sleeper train headed out west (!) and then in Portland, Oregon for a few days. Big changes of scenery that will hopefully clear out my spiderwebbing head. Amazing food that I can enjoy now that my appetite is truly back (hello, Voodoo Donuts!). We don't leave for a couple of weeks, but until I can successfully turn my head to focus on all things positive, I'll look forward to that.